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Meeting someone you respect, are attracted to, who genuinely cares about you, shares your values and at least a few interests, and with whom you can work through conflicts can be a catalyst for not only a great and lasting new relationship with a new person, but with yourself as well.

For example, if, prior to entering your primary relationship, you had the unconscious belief that you were unlovable, or didn’t deserve to be loved, you may have ended up with someone who couldn’t really give you love.

Thinking about this, you may wonder what the chances are that a relationship that starts as an affair will succeed.

Pitfalls of Affair Relationships Relationships that start as affairs have many strikes against them. They can arise out of an urgent emotional need, a need so urgent that a thoughtful process of getting to know someone and assessing what kind of partnership the two of you would have is not part of the bonding process.

Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship.

We tend to repeat patterns over and over until we come to understand ourselves.

Admitting the reality of these situation is painful because you can still feel very attached (as distinct from connected) to this person and the idea of leaving can fill you with dread of the loss of security this relationship has provided.

You face going from the bliss of secrecy into a tailspin of conflict with many people at once.

Of course, you face this once the affair is disclosed, no matter who you end up with, but it is less awful if you are attempting to repair the damage with your primary partner.

(For an update on this statistic go to “Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed?

Revisited”) But a statistic is just that, and doesn’t tell you anything about your own individual situation.

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